Of maddness and several odd shippings!
by dannieyankee
Summary: Well, parodies make a good soup, as I say...and Voldemort makes a good idiot! But! Why does Harry own Cosmo Girl magazines?...not like this answers that. Mix! Playboy, Harry Potter, and a Giant house! What happens when they mix together? This, of course.
1. Chapter 1

Ginny stood in the doorway of the house, waiting for her friends to wake up. Her red hair was tucked behind her ears and her blue and white striped sweater was slightly large for her, though nothing compared to Hermione, who looked as though she had ran under a shower of baby powder, jumped off a cliff, came back from the dead, and baby sat the devil (you would too if you lived with Malfoy!) a phrase which here means- wait, this isn't a Baudelaire's story. This is a Harry Potter fan fiction.

In case you're wondering, our story takes place the year after Ginny graduated from Hogwarts. Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Ron, Draco, and Harry are all living together in an 8 roomed house that they bought together. Don't ask why, they just did. Draco tagged along because he had befriended Ron and Harry. Ron was dating the lovely Luna Lovegood. Oh, look, I made an alliteration. Lovely Lovegood! Okay, back to the story now.

It was obvious to everyone but Hermione that Harry fancied her, which was odd since she was the smart one. Yes, a miracle, but it happened.

She saw her heartthrob running down the stairs. _He looks so fit when he runs down the stairs…yes, very stupid, but oh…_he was closely followed by the other boys.

"Hi, Gin."

"Hey, sis."

"Morning, Ginny." The boys said as they passed Ginny. It was 9:00 in the morning, so it was odd to why they were coming down before Hermione and Luna, who usually wake up first. Ginny went to investigate…and found Luna and Hermione playing CLUE!

Just kidding. They were doing the Macarena!

Kidding! They were singing! No, not kidding. They were singing the song 'If you're not the one' by Daniel Bedingfield.

"_If you're not the one  
then why does my soul feel glad today?  
If you're not the one  
then why does my hand fit yours this way?  
_

They sang that bit sounding like a dying cat.. Ginny snorted, and two bewildered girls turned around.

"Whoa! You should start a band together. Really. Yeah, I'm serious. No, I'm not." Ginny said. Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Nice to see you too, Gin." She said. Luna looked dreamily out the window. She made a habit out of that. One time she saw someone get shot, and you know what she said?

"I saw someone get shot." How out of the blue! How abnormal! How-

Hermione and Luna went downstairs and sat next to the boys at the table. Here was the order:

Side one is Harry and Hermione. On the other side were Luna and Ron. Ginny sat on one end and Draco sat on anther. No one really knows WHY, but it happens. Anyways, it was the same thing.

Everyone eating oatmeal

Harry staring at Hermione with longing

Hermione completely ignoring both Harry and Draco.

Luna and Ron feeding each other

Ginny staring pointedly at her future boyfriend (Draco Malfoy).

At this point, you must understand the ships in this story; otherwise you would be incredibly slow when it comes to solving ridiculously easy puzzles. Hermione got up in the middle of breakfast.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom." She said matter-of-factly. Suddenly the boys regained conscious, which apparently they lost somewhere between Ron and Luna feeding each other and now.

"I'll save you!" came a voice from above the house. Hermione looked up.

"Who are you?"

"Actually, I don't know." The voice disappeared, and everything went back to normal. Hermione shrugged, going up the stairs. The boys closely followed.

Hermione walked into the bathroom, well aware that the boys were outside making sure that she wasn't going to make herself throw up. She grinned, locking the door. She made fake gagging noises, sniggering slightly. It was funny to see (or rather, HEAR) their reactions.

"I knew it! Hermione, stop it, you'll kill yourself." Harry's voice came through the door. Hermione giggled, and then resumed gagging noises. "Hermes!" Still no stopping, Harry came to a conclusion.

"That's it!" the door suddenly blew down as Harry heroically kicked it down. Harry beamed. Hermione glared.

"You just knocked down the door."

_I wonder if she fancies me. Of course she does! Who DOESN'T like me? I'm hot! I'm cool! I'm LOVABLE! I think she has a crush on me! Yeah, that's why she's always laughing!_ Harry thought as Hermione glared daggers at him.

_The prat. He thinks so highly of himself. It disgusts me. I need to read up on boys who disgust people that are hot…did I just think that? _Hermione thought to herself. She shook her head. _Breakfast isn't agreeing with me. Wait, did I even eat breakfast? No. I need to read up about breakfast not agreeing with me when they didn't eat breakfast. _

All the while, Draco had been looking in the mirror, admiring himself.

Ginny stared at Draco with awe. He was so cute, so sweet, so comforting, (in Ginny's point of view) and perfect for her.

_I need to make a plan. A way for him to like me. Maybe he should look at me, and then I smile. No, I need to take this SLOW._

"Draco? Will you date me?" Ginny blurted out. So much for slow. Draco stared at her, and then smirked.

Harry paced around the room. He was going to tell Hermione how he felt. He needed to. He saw Hermione walk into the room with a book that said: Breakfast not agreeing with you when you didn't even eat breakfast! Harry walked over to her, sweating.

"Hermione?"

"Hmmm?"

"There's…something I need to tell you."

"What?"

"I…err…I…love…I STOLE YOUR BABY PICTURES!" he blurted out at the last minute. Hermione glared at him.

"You what?" she growled between her teeth. Harry gulped. He had a feeling he wasn't going to come out of this one thanks to his good looks.

Later that afternoon…

Hermione marched quite angrily outside, making trumpet noises. She stopped when she spotted Draco and Ginny on the porch, snogging passionately.

"Eww." Hermione said quite childishly. She ran back in the house, singing the first song that came to mind so she could block out the sounds that Ginny and Draco were making.

"Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man, the muffin man?" Ron came down from the stairs, staring oddly at Hermione. Shrugging, he walked the rest of the way down and started to walk with her.

"Hermes, what are you doing?"

"Thinking of a way to get back at Harry." She replied flatly.

"Oh. What did he do?"

"He stole my baby pictures." She growled. Ron gasped.

"He didn't!" Hermione nodded, and Ron fainted. She stared down at his body, thinking of what to do.

"HARRY, YOU MADE RON FAINT!" Hermione cried at the top of her lungs. She heard trampling, and saw Harry run to the kitchen. He came out with a pitcher of water.

"I'll save him!" yelled a heroic voice atop the house. Harry looked to the ceiling.

"You again?"

"Who is 'you'?" the voice replied, fading away. Harry shrugged, and dumped the water on Ron before running away from Hermione. Ron leaped up onto his feet.

"Elvis Presley had joined us!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. Hermione cocked her head.

"Isn't he that dashingly handsome singer who died of constipation or drugs or something like that?" Hermione asked. Ron glared.

"He is NOT dashingly handsome, at least not to me!"

"Dear, I should hope not." Hermione gasped. Rolling her eyes, she ran up the stairs in pursuit of Harry. Ron growled and stomped out of the house, yelling at Draco to leave his sister alone.

"Ron, can't you see I'm a bit busy here? I'm snogging Draco, so can you leave?" Ginny moaned. Draco caught her in another snog, and Ron turned beat red. Suddenly, a pop of an apparition came and a figure of fright came up the stairs holding a Playboy magazine.

"Hello, lady and gentleman, and not-so-gentleman. I am…"

Ron gasped at the figure standing in front of him.

"You're…you're…"his eyes wandered down to the magazine in Lord Voldemort's hands. "Hey, is that the new issue?" Ron asked, chirping. Ginny sighed. Rolling her eyes, she screamed out in a flat but loud tone.

"Harry, Voldemort is here and he plans to kill us all." Draco turned to her, smiling. Picking her up, he pulled her towards the house while capturing her in another snog, walking past a speeding Harry, who had his wand up and was ready to kill.

"Don't you dare- oh, hey, I didn't know they made that issue yet!" Harry's eyes fell on the magazine in Voldemort's hands. He pondered. _Lose the whole plot of this story; Lose the magazine…I'll ditch the plot! _Harry thought as he walked towards Voldemort, eagerly reading over his shoulder. Soon after Hermione came out, running towards the door.

"Oh, Merlin, it's- Ron! Harry! Why are you reading Playboy with your worst enemy!" she cried in frustration, Ron and Harry ignoring her. Voldemort looked up and stuck his tongue out before reading again. _Immature git,_ Hermione thought to herself. You'd think that an evil wizard who killed people would be much higher than sticking his tongue out and reading Playboy.

_Several minutes later (because we couldn't make this by hours)_

Hermione, Ginny, and Luna sat in the library upstairs, planning together.

"Well, we could always submit our own pictures to Playboy.." Ginny pondered. Hermione looked disgusted.

"Gin, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't think making them like that magazine even MORE would help us to get them AWAY from it!" Hermione suddenly looked struck. "Or, maybe…hmm…"

"We could always set a batch of Crumpled horned snorkacks on them," Luna suggested. Hermione and Ginny rolled their eyes.

"There is no such thing, Luna dearest. And anyways, Ron does anything you tell him to, so why are you here?" Ginny asked. Luna shrugged her shoulders, staring out the window. Hermione turned to Ginny.

"I didn't even know Harry knew what Playboy was!" she cried, clearly upset. Ginny snorted at this.

"Hermione, Harry's a boy. He was BORN reading Playboy!" she giggled. Hermione sighed. "And anyways, he has a stack of them under his bed."

"What!" Hermione nearly deafened the two girls in the room, as well as Crookshanks, Hedwig, the neighbors, the people walking their dogs outside, the person driving…

"What; you mean you didn't know? But you vacuumed under his bed yesterday!" Ginny paused. "Didn't you?"

"Erm, well…see, Dobby came, and, yeah… I mean, come on, he was wanting to anyways, and, well, I was…erm..." Hermione stammered. Ginny stared.

"What happened to spew!"

"S.P.E.W.!" Hermione shrieked at her.

"That's a lot, coming from someone who goes against her own organization! You know, there are some people staring outside the window…"

"Thanks, Gin. You really help a lot." Hermione replied coldly. Ginny smiled.

"Don't mention it, Hermes." Hermione was seething. Images of Ginny burning appeared in her head, closely followed by images of Harry burning, images of Draco burning, images of Ron burning, images of the paperboy burning (he could at least TRY not to aim at her every time she went to get the paper!) images of Voldemort burning, images of Playboy magazines burning…

_Wait! That's it! _

_I need more milk._

"Gin, we need to go shopping. There's no milk." Hermione stated. Luna's gaze turned to her.

"Hermione, you don't drink milk. It has calories."

"Oh, shove it. Everything has calories. And it's not doing anything for me, is it?" Luna shrugged, before gazing towards the boys again, who were eagerly exchanging magazines, grinning like idiots. Luna turned towards a few boys making a fire on the corner. It looked like they were burning paper.

"Some boys are burning their homework on the corner." Luna stated as if it was a daily procedure. Hermione looked with interest at what Luna was pointing at, and gasped.

"They **cannot **burn their homework like that!" Hermione seethed. A thought came to her.

"But we can burn Playboy magazines…"


	2. Chapter 2

"Harry, Ron, Draco, Voldemort, come inside before I go out there and bi-…slap you!" Hermione's voice rang through the hallway out to the porch where the three boys and very confusing man all groaned before mumbling and walking inside.

"Dinner," Hermione announced. This changed their attitudes immediately. The boys sat down eagerly, and Luna served them. Ginny served the girls, while they sat down, Hermione only playing with her food at the boys shoved as much down their throats as possible.

You'd think a murderous genius would have more table manners, actually. But he ate just like a little kid.

"Hermione dear, you should eat something," Luna suggested. Hermione slammed her fist down on the table and stood up angrily.

"That's it! How the heck can all of you eat when there's a MURDEROUS KILLER EATING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU?!" she cried loudly.

The boys shrugged, and continued to scarf down food faster than the speed of light. Hermione groaned and sat back down. No one seemed to notice this. Minutes later, Hermione was cleaning the dishes with the girls, while the boys argued about whose Quidditch team was best. Hermione glanced at Luna and nodded, and she nodded back. Luna nodded to Ginny, who turned around and grabbed an odd looking cloak that really belonged to Harry. She threw it to Luna, who put it over her head and completely disappeared. Luna walked out of the kitchen and right past the boys. She climbed up the stairs, trying to make as little sound as possible.

Luna finally made it up to the second floor, and decided to start with Ron's room. She, of course, knew where the magazines were, they were in the same place for all the boys. Her only problem was if Ron was or was not clever enough to put a ward around his bed. Sighing, she bent down and glanced underneath the bed-and gasped.

Ron won the "Most Magazines Collected" award for sure. There had to be more than a thousand magazines under his bed.

You'd think Draco won that award, but no. It had to be Ron, and we still wonder HOW a wizard so clueless like him found this Muggle Magazine in the first place, seeing as they lived in a Wizards Community, the only muggles were those that know about magic and such.

Luna frowned, and pulled out as many of the magazines with one hand as she could, and then pointed to the stack with her wand, whispering.

"Inflamari." The pile burst into flames, and Luna smiled.

_A pile less of porn. _She thought to herself. Luna continued this until there was a rather large pile of ashes in front of her. Smiling, she whispered the spell to clean it up, and then pulled the cloak over her head again. This time she crawled to the next bedroom, which happened to belong to Draco. She looked under the covers-and gasped.

There were seven magazines under his bed. Luna's eye twitched, utterly confused. Then a thought popped into her head.

_Maybe a Confucius Hornless Barreler swapped the spot under their beds! That explains a lot, really. _Nodding, Luna grabbed the seven magazines and tore them up, and then burned them and _Scourgify_ed the pile away. Luna held the cape once more and crawled towards Harry's bedroom, finding a pile of Playboy magazines…on top of his bed. Luna looked underneath and found something quite different.

"'Cosmo girl'?!" Luna was utterly frightened. Harry was subscribed to Cosmo Girl…wow. Luna shuddered and burned the remaining Playboy magazines, before grabbing the Cosmo girl pile and crawled to Hermione's bedroom, before stowing them in her closet with a little note that read "Harry owns Cosmo Girl magazines?!".

Luna smiled and pulled the cloak over her head, walking down the stairs and past the boys. Walking into the kitchen she saw to nervous females. Luna pulled off the cloak and nodded her head, smiling. Hermione sighed in relief, and Ginny grumbled something that sounded like 'not good enough for him, eh?'. Hermione patted Luna on the back before smiling herself and turning to the boys in the Living room.

Harry, Ron, and Draco were utterly confused. The girls were smiling and talking to each other, much more cheerful than they expected. Harry sighed and watched Hermione flip her hair and lean back on the chair she was sitting in. _What am I doing wrong? I thought she fancied me! Honestly, what's gotten into her? Has she gotten a boyfriend?_ "Dear lord, please not that!" Harry muttered to himself.

"Not what? I will help the young man in distress!" A heroic voice called once again from above the house. Harry looked up.

"You again?! What do you want!?"

"Who, me? Who are you?" The voice faded away, and Harry groaned. Even a single voice could have helped him, even if he looked like an idiot screaming to his ceiling. He sighed and walked up to his room, hoping for the comfort of magazines. Maybe they'd make him forget about Hermione for a few minutes.

He walked up to his room, and found the door open. Cautiously, he walked in…_to find his Playboy magazines were missing!_

Harry stared in horror, and a thought crossed his mind. _What if they took my Cosmo Girl magazines! NOO!!1 _He dove under the bed, and let out a cry of defeat.

"MY COSMO GIRL MAGAZINES!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Harry sat underneath his bed, crying.

Hermione came rushing up, very frightened after hearing Harry scream about Cosmo Girl magazines. She threw the door open…

And found Harry stretched out underneath his bed, moaning.

"My Cosmo Girl magazines…gone…why…please….I am cursed." Hermione chuckled softly, realizing what was going on. She went to her room, and opened her closet. There was a pile of magazines, all called "Cosmo Girl", with a note attatched to the top. She read it and snorted.

" Harry owns Cosmo Girl magazines?!"


End file.
